Infinite Love - Our Mom

August is my mom's birthday month, and undoubtedly enough, I find myself reflecting on what impact I have had on her life as her daughter. I don't know if this is an Asian thing, but this thought is in my day to day experience, always thinking about my mom. For years, I have ever had this dream to move West.

Moving from Ohio to California without a job, I thought at first was brave and exciting, thinking that I would find a formidable role since I heard that jobs are abundant here in Silicon Valley. Then I'd move to my own cute Craftsman bungalow house with a tiny yard with a garden that Finn can bask in the sun. I would invite my parents to come over and make them dinner in my beautiful backlit yard strung with cafe lights. I would ask my sisters for a sister-hang on the tiny porch, and they would help me decorate the rooms shopping for some furniture and kitchen and dining items, you name it. I would invite my new friends to come over for wine and a porch-hang and learn about their stories losing track of time. I would have my neighbors for coffee and breakfast and express how grateful I am; I got to find the place I live in. I see my friends in Ohio and New York visit and have a place to crash, so they didn’t have to stay at a hotel. I would walk to the nearest park and coffee shop with Finnegan and connect with the neighbors. These were the things I saw.

Somewhere along the way, things shifted inside me that I couldn't figure out what I was seeing. Next thing I know I started getting thoughts in my head saying

"you are not good enough for that role."

“it’s amazing how you don’t know how to …”

"you are not director material"

"don’t be weird"

“you are &** (this and that)”

… months. Later, I found myself following a storyline that defeated the spirit in me to dream of a big joyful prosperous life. I have been known to be a cheerful, joyful, fun, and positive person, bringing my energy of joy everywhere I went. What is this?

So people I know would send me roles that would be exciting, but I often thought to myself, I would not be a good fit for that role what is that person thinking? But I remained thankful and not get my hopes too high. I don’t have the qualifications. I don’t know HTML, JavaSript, CSS, Python, I don’t know how to code. I did not graduate from an Ivy League, Stanford, or Berkeley or UCI, you name it, I had the reason and the mindset of not believing in myself. This is what happens when we internalize external things. It is easy to get caught in it if we don’t stop and pause and take inventory of our self. It takes a certain energy to call it out and hold up the mirror. I would sabotage my chances by getting my head in the way.

So as August draws to a close, thinking of my mom and her boundless love and faith in me. Thanking me for moving to California, I dedicate my search for a job so that I move out of the house. I worry about you doing so much for our family. My mother exemplifies love, devotion, sacrifice, perseverance, and hope. I love you so much. I will get that role—tears of joy.

Be kind. Keep being earnest and keep moving forward, because you want to make sure they are cared for as well. <3 Aiko

As August 2020 draws near to a close with a pandemic, California fires, social and civil unrest, political transition, I reflect on my mother’s love who celebrates her birthday this month along with our grandmother, aunts in Japan, all the mothers in the world, I reflect on mine. Inspired by today’s meditation with Headspace 08/22/2020. Aiko Yonamine

Kindness is Always There

We recently lost a legend whose songs touched many of us. Thank you for the reminder I am here to embrace both my feminine and masculine nature, Mr. Prine.

I want to lean back.

I am trusting you.

I create space for things to unfold.

Noticing that when the mind takes hold, it can cause myself to retreat, I feel it in my body. I feel the sensation in my body like I want to run away when I feel fear and uneasiness.

Lean back, watch it. Let go of it.

I am grateful for this body. I am thankful for every breath.

Relinquish the desire to control the outcome. I feel it in my body.

Acknowledge thoughts and feelings, trust, and let go. Return to love and trust. Kindness is there all along.

Don’t hold back with giving and expressing love. Just witness your breath.

Your love is boundless. It is there all along. When our mind gets caught up in fear, we lose sight of it. It is okay.

I feel it in my heart. I want to embrace you. You come to meet me halfway.

Takeaway:

During these unprecedented times, we will experience uncomfortable emotions and thoughts coming and going. This is okay. These feelings of grief, fear, anxiety are opportunities to notice that kindness and appreciation are there. Kindness is allowing things to unfold, be expressed without judgment, trust. Meditation is the gateway to realizing this innate nature.

From my current experience, meditation has allowed me to see my mind wander. Many thoughts come and hang out. I do see I can get caught up in emotions and thoughts of those around me at times especially when my body is tired and hungry. At the same time, I appreciate seeing the brilliance of the rays of the sun filling me and those around me. I do recognize what Andy says during the guided meditations, that the blue skies are innate within us all. We don’t have to “do.” The clouds may be there, rain, thunder may strike, but beneath it, all are the blue skies.

If you have been reading my blog, you know how I have been using Headspace for mindfulness. I am marking my 237th day of non-stop Headspace use. I will be forever be humbled by how meditation has touched me that I cannot just keep it to myself. I hope the world discovers the power of witnessing our breath, the life force within us. We remind you more than ever before of how mental health is a fundamental force within us all that can aspire remarkable change within ourselves and cultivating health and happiness beyond ourselves.

Thankful that Headspace has opened tools for us to tap into our innate nature. I have included “Weathering the Storm” in the link below for you. I have shared this with friends, to my community, and hope this reaches you, your loved ones, and our community and the world.

Headspace is here to help YOU: https://www.headspace.com/covid-19

Rest in Peace, John Prine. Your songs celebrate life in all it’s shades of colors. Thank you for gracing this world with your melodies. I always get happy when I listen to your songs. I never knew why, but I don’t need to know. Thank you. xox

Provided to YouTube by Atlantic Records Sweet Revenge · John Prine Sweet Revenge ℗ 1973 Atlantic Recording Corporation for the United States and WEA Internat...

The sunshine is always beneath the clouds

Where Paradise Lay - Written by Joe Wilkins